Children with visible differences often become aware early on that others respond to their appearance in various ways, such as:
- Showing curiosity, concern, upset, or surprise
- Making comments
- Asking direct, personal, or potentially upsetting questions
- Staring
- Looking, but then quickly looking away
- Asking if they need help
It is natural for educators to want to protect their students. You cannot shelter your student by having them avoid others or by trying to prevent questions or staring. What you can do is teach yourself and your students how to think about and react to these expected situations. Teaching a student how to respond to questions and stares gives them the necessary skills to cope with, instead of avoiding social situations.
Since burn injuries are only one of many types of visible differences, it may be helpful to do this training as a classroom discussion so all students benefit. Guide discussions so students with disabilities or visible differences are not singled out.
Here is a list of steps you can use during these discussions, to teach children to manage questions and stares. Click on each item below for detailed advice on that step.
Plan for Situations When Others Ask Questions or Stare
Remind students that most people stare because they are curious or concerned. Help them to realize that other people do not cause a student’s feelings or reactions; instead it is how an individual thinks about a situation that forms their feelings.
Since students cannot keep people from staring or asking questions, help them learn how to deal with questions and stares in a positive way. Children learn from watching adults and listening to what they say. It is very helpful for educators to show patience with initial curiosity from others, and provide simple courteous responses to questions. Responding positively to curiosity and questions teaches your student how to respond the same way.
Have students identify situations where they have seen others stare and ask questions, such as incidents:
- Within the classroom or school setting: gym, cafeteria, playground, hallways, bus, sports field, locker room, etc.
- Outside the school: on field trips, in the neighborhood, during public extra-curricular activities, etc.
- In books, television shows, or movies
- In current events: newspapers, news, or social media
Develop Effective Responses
Emphasize the importance of preparing a planned response to questions and stares. Discuss potential questions that might be asked and specific responses a student could use. Plan answers to those questions that give enough information and reassurance to others, without going into details (unless your student chooses to). Example Questions and Answers:
- What happened to you? I was burned. I am better now.
- How were you burned? It was a house fire.
- How did it happen? We don’t know how the fire started.
- Why do you look like that? My skin looks different because my hand and arm were burned.
- Does it hurt? It did before, but not now.
- Why do you walk like that? One of my legs is shorter than the other from the burn injury. I have a brace on my leg.
- Why do you wear that thing? My injured skin is still healing.
Change or Redirect the Conversation
After the initial response, teach your student to prevent additional comments by using statements that redirect the conversation to something else. Have your student generate a list of statements that change or redirect the conversation by:
- Showing interest in the person who asked
- Changing the subject
- Ending the conversation
Examples of statements that will change or redirect the conversation:
- “I have to get going. Have a nice day.”
- “Thank you for asking. How are you?”
- “What after-school activities are you in?”
- “Does your teacher give you a lot of homework?”
- “I have to catch my bus.”
- “We’re here to learn about history, why are you visiting the museum today?”
- “Our team has 3 more away games this year. Where else is your team playing?”
For more ideas, refer to the Changing Faces “Explain–Reassure –Distract Technique”
Practice Responses
The more that a student practices, the easier and more automatic their responses will become:
- Ask them to look for situations where kids are dealing with questions or stares
- Ask them to bring in examples of good (and not as good) responses from books, TV shows, or movies
- Discuss these observed situations as a group
- Have them pair-up and take turns practicing possible responses on each other
Get Others Involved
Encourage other teachers, group leaders, coaches, and school personnel to learn about responding to stares and questions by reviewing the REACH website. This group of supportive people can help students by responding to situations in a positive manner, such as:
- Giving a simple explanation or comment
- Changing the conversation to something else
- Ending the conversation
Learn to Manage Rudeness
Most people who stare, ask questions, or make comments are doing so out of curiosity or concern. Students may occasionally encounter someone who is rude, reacts in an upsetting manner, or asks too many invading or personal questions. Students will feel more confident about dealing with these situations if they plan a response for such encounters.
Discuss why it is important for students to respond, but not get into arguments or hostile behavior. Teach students to be assertive and make simple statements, such as:
- “Please don’t stare.”
- “I feel uncomfortable.”
- “You can ask a question if you are curious.”
- “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
- “I don’t feel comfortable discussing that with you.”
- “That is too personal of a question for me to answer.”
Sometimes others will make rude or unkind comments. Such comments must be addressed. You or your student can respond by saying:
- “I do not like it when you make such cruel remarks.”
- “My student may look different, but she can hear what you are saying. It is very hurtful to both of us.”
- “I will not listen to your comments. Good-bye.”
Encourage students to speak with a teacher or other adult when others have been rude. Signs that a student may need extra coaching or help in managing questions, stares, or rudeness include:
- Feeling overwhelmed or upset about dealing with the reactions of others
- Reacting to questions or staring with aggression, hostility, avoidance, regression, or crying
- Avoiding situations and locations where they encounter new people or people who have previously been a problem
Depending on the age of the students, there are special considerations to keep in mind when discussing staring and physical differences in the classroom. Click on the child’s age range below for more information. Since every child is different, you may find it helpful to review the advice for other age ranges as well.
Children 2-6 Years Old
Children as young as 2 years old will notice visible differences in appearance. Young children may have difficulty putting their questions or concerns into words. Instead, it is reflected in their behaviors, such as staring intently or pointing and abruptly walking up to and touching a person with visible differences. They may even run away, hide from, or avoid a child who is different. They may not understand visible differences in appearance, and in fact may misinterpret what it is or why it happened.
Questions or comments from young children can seem strange or surprising, such as: Why does she look wrinkly? Am I going to catch what he has? I can’t play with him, he’s got scary things on him. Provide simple explanations to their questions.
Children 7-11 Years Old
Peer acceptance becomes very important in this age group. They can be very critical of themselves and others. A child’s self-confidence can be greatly affected by other people, comments, situations, or events. It is important to discuss situations where others have stared, asked questions, or were rude to assess how well your student is coping.
Teens 12-17 Years Old
Youth in this age group have many concerns about their appearance, how they look, and how they will fit in. Mood swings and inappropriate behavior can be triggered by events involving staring or rude comments. Recognize that youth of this age are better able to express themselves and can discuss complex ideas.
When talking with your students about visible differences and sensitive subjects, be honest and direct. Be respectful of your students’ opinions, thoughts, and feelings even if you don’t agree with them. Encourage independence in their ability to handle things, while supporting them in planning responses to new situations, such as: new groups, employment, advanced education, and personal relationships.
